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Emotional Affair? What would the cooler do?

Knight_Magic

Golden Knight
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Nov 5, 2007
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At least I think that's the correct terminology for it...

Short story is this... I have a suspicion my wife has begun having an emotional affair with one of her long time male friends who was mutual to her before our marriage. They never dated from what I know, however, he is recently divorced. His marriage lasted all of about a 8 months and began and ended during our time of marriage. He has gotten a bit to close for my comfort in their casual conversation lately outside if how's the job, how life etc. I have always been a pretty logical person and never one to be the "jealous" type in our 4 years together but they say where there is smoke there is fire and based on what I have observed from afar, it leaves me at a bit of unease. I believe we have a healthy relationship, financially stable, good work/life balance, and from what I can tell the whole intimacy factor and pushing me away hasnt been an issue.

My question is this..Do i sit back and observe and wait for someone to hang themselves with some type of proof and then go bat shit crazy or do i make a play to talk to the wife now and just make my concerns known directly to her and tell her for my sanity to cut communication.

At this point I only suspect conversation has turned a bit more personal but I am not cool with my wife discussing our personal matters with a recently divorced man. Her rational for the increased text is "he is going through a tough time." They were friends long before we were married and only casually chatted before the past month so that's what got me suspicious. Im typically pretty good with my instincts and feel that this will end up shitty with me coming off as the jealous/insecure husband either way I take it.

So what would the cooler do? Has anyone gone through this and what was the result?
 
I agree with GKS.

The wife and I have been through several of our friends getting divorced and I find that it isn't uncommon for a guy getting divorced to seek counsel from a female. The guy probably just values your wife's opinion and trusts her judgement. I've also found that others getting divorced and their socialization of it can either be potentially infectious or reaffirming - depends on how solid your marriage is.

Most married people talk about everything. A good marriage is based on trust and respect and therefore it should be pretty easy to discuss your trepidation with the wife. At a minimum, she should at least listen to what you have to say and respect your wishes as long as they aren't all wacky.
 
First, go with your gut. Have a conversation with your wife. If all other facets of your marriage are in good order, then you should have no problem having a calm, candid, truthful conversation with her. Be it about money, career, kids or other concerns, if everything truly is on the up-and-up relationship wise, then it will be an easy conversation. Remember to be non-accusatory - it doesn't sound like you have any proof other than some texts.

Which brings me to my second point. You say you're not the jealous type, etc., but how do you know about the content of the texts? Have you been looking at her phone when she's not around? It's ok not to answer that in this forum, but look inside yourself and answer it honestly. Are you jealous or are you not?

Which brings me to my third point - this forum. You're not cool with your wife discussing your personal matters, but you decided to come here and post your personal matters. I'm not blaming you, but it sounds like a double-standard may be brewing. Granted there's slightly more anonymity when it comes to this forum; but, just make sure you're playing fairly.
 
If you need a divorce, there is a knight fan in the dungeon that I would recommend. But seriously talk to her first. Its a lot cheaper that way.
 
My wife has male friends, most of which are married, but there's a few that are single. I expressed my concerns because I know how guys can be but she reaffirmed they're just friends. To make a long story short, one of the guys did make a pass at my wife but my wife shut him down, removed all contact with him, and told me about it. Trust is key in a relationship and you should feel confident that she can handle herself in this situation. Now if this was an ex, it's a different story in my opinion.
 
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Kick her to the curb before it's too late.

Srsly tho, tell her that you don't like all the contact. If she values the marriage and you are truthful about how you don't like it, she needs to step it down.

Don't punch her though, that doesn't end well, unless you're in the NFL.
 
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First, go with your gut. Have a conversation with your wife. If all other facets of your marriage are in good order, then you should have no problem having a calm, candid, truthful conversation with her. Be it about money, career, kids or other concerns, if everything truly is on the up-and-up relationship wise, then it will be an easy conversation. Remember to be non-accusatory - it doesn't sound like you have any proof other than some texts.

Which brings me to my second point. You say you're not the jealous type, etc., but how do you know about the content of the texts? Have you been looking at her phone when she's not around? It's ok not to answer that in this forum, but look inside yourself and answer it honestly. Are you jealous or are you not?

Which brings me to my third point - this forum. You're not cool with your wife discussing your personal matters, but you decided to come here and post your personal matters. I'm not blaming you, but it sounds like a double-standard may be brewing. Granted there's slightly more anonymity when it comes to this forum; but, just make sure you're playing fairly.


These are all things that I considered before posing the question to the forum and expected one of these responses and I consider all of them valid and fair points. To your points....

The truth is I don't have any proof at all other than some subtle changes I have noticed. It's hard not to notice those when you have been with the same person for 4 1/2 years. There have been some side remarks that I make a mental note of that others might brush aside. I know the difference between an e-mail chime and a barrage of text messages notifications that didn't use to be the case. I have never been one to snoop through phones or my significant others social media as I have had no reason to but this is the first time suspicion has gotten the best of me and I have considered coming to that. I wont get into the details but appreciate all the responses. Something just doesn't feel right about like others have said, i'll trust my instinct and attempt to bring it up in a rational manner.
 
These are all things that I considered before posing the question to the forum and expected one of these responses and I consider all of them valid and fair points. To your points....

The truth is I don't have any proof at all other than some subtle changes I have noticed. It's hard not to notice those when you have been with the same person for 4 1/2 years. There have been some side remarks that I make a mental note of that others might brush aside. I know the difference between an e-mail chime and a barrage of text messages notifications that didn't use to be the case. I have never been one to snoop through phones or my significant others social media as I have had no reason to but this is the first time suspicion has gotten the best of me and I have considered coming to that. I wont get into the details but appreciate all the responses. Something just doesn't feel right about like others have said, i'll trust my instinct and attempt to bring it up in a rational manner.

Hopefully it's nothing. Good luck.
 
Ask @Mr. Knightman how not to trust someone and figure out if they aren't being honest. Better yet, @jetsaholic They'll tell you to check her god damn privilege.
Pretty much, right?

Speaking from having probably the worst cheating/breakup/divorce experience of anybody else in the forum, I'll say this:

You owe it to yourself to ask. Nothing to do with your gut. If it looks like a horse and it sounds like a horse, chances are it's not a cow.

I hope it's nothing and you're just experiencing jealousy for the first time in your relationship. Good luck, big dawg, and if shit hits the fan, I'll have a beer waiting for you at the Maryland game tailgate.
 
I want to echo that it's good to listen to those tiny doubts that encourage you to have a frank conversation about boundaries. I've always thought that it's not enough to not be having an affair, you have to make sure it doesn't seem like you are, either. And by that I mean even if she's not crossing any official lines, if it's creating doubts and is beginning to be a cause of stress for you, that's also not cool.
Dingy and I, our arrangement aside, check in a lot with each other and if I hang out with just a friend, I make it clear that he can tag along or whatever- I try to make it transparent. So maybe to increase transparency and ease your mind, offer for him to come over and hang out at your place, and you can just be doing your own thing in another room if they need to talk about his feelings or whatever. If there's nothing inappropriate going on, they won't have a problem with that.
Not saying to play games, but definitely see if she can make it seem more transparent that there is nothing going on beyond lending an ear to a friend, for your peace of mind.
 
Ask @Mr. Knightman how not to trust someone and figure out if they aren't being honest. Better yet, @jetsaholic They'll tell you to check her god damn privilege.


Get a divorce. I hate to say it, but if someone has checked out on you emotionally? That's like the "friend-zone" man. Physical cheating is bad enough, but emotional I think can be worse.

I know a thing or two about that. Emotional cheating means "get the f*ck out of MY house". Simple. I am 100% certain that this happens with 95%+ of couples. As littlemissknight as explained, know your boundaries...

BUT, to ADD to what she says, despite those boundaries? It is important to respect the FEELINGS of a person that you supposedly care about, REGARDLESS of boundaries or agreements. Humans may not be "naturally monogamous" as claimed by many, but history and social evolution shows far-different trends and patterns suggesting a progression to the opposite going back to post-magdalenian, pre-sumerian civilizations. Our emotional well-being is centered around the agreements that INDIVIDUALS make to one another, but respecting NATURAL emotional processes supersede that I think. People can agree to whatever, but ultimately the responsibility falls on both to respect the feelings of another. Which means to step back and think, "How will this action affect this person and is it worth it". Boundaries and superficial categories mean jack-shit in the natural world. All these "rules" and "ideas" are meaningless. Just stop to think about the other person. It doesn't matter if they "have no right to be mad"...because everyone has a right to be mad if their feelings aren't considered. Relationships are getting way to complicated, so are their emotional involvement as a result. I see too many "agreements" being made, meant to last long-term, but don't take into account the potential of social evolution within a relationship. Emotions generally don't move along the same path, especially with opposite sexes. What is agreeable to a male may not be agreeable to a female, and vice versa...there are no "official lines" in real life or the natural world.

I've been engaged twice. The first one turned out to be having an emotional affair with her ex boyfriend in the army, she would meet, and possibly bang him whenever he was in town. She said she never "cheated". I found out after noticing a pattern with our arguments falling near weekends when she said we needed "space apart". He was that "guy friend" that I "didn't have to worry about". Then I caught her red-handed, WITH THE GUY, based on a gut-feeling that they would be at a place she previously said she frequented with him...She married him about 2 weeks later after our break-up before he deployed to Iraq.

The second? I was in the process of looking at rings and houses, my family bought this ex and I a cruise to get away for the formal engagement....What happened? Here's the trick guys if you have suspicion, pay attention to the order and color-location of her lingerie in her lingerie drawer. I'm serious! If you notice the black thong moving around the drawer in relation to the pink and red ones, that's when you start investigating other behaviors, especially if you aren't seeing her wear it for you. It's a discreet method. If she can't talk to a friend in front of you? Yes, be an asshole and confront her. She was stupid...and dumb. She left her email minimized on a PC we shared, and was away when I got home from work, I opened and saw a big picture of her hoo-ha being sent to someone other than me. She was out of the house within a week.

I dated a girl for almost a year in 2014, took her about 6 months or so to start showing homicidal tendencies and I had visions of her standing over me with a knife at night. She had a melt-down because she burned pancakes, that was when I called it off. (Broke my own rule of not dating metal-head chicks with that one...despite being a metal-head myself)

Now? I have a switch. Show signs of that crap? Done. Feelings shut down and you must leave me alone. Many fish in the sea exist and I'm no longer concerned with dating one person for any extended period. If I can't get rid of her? Then I might change my mind about marriage. Like most people in Scandinavia, I just see no point in marriage and see it as an antiquated, dogmatic, emotional and economical trap. I don't want kids either, have had no interest...I want to live, travel, meet beautiful and enchanting women in other countries and not worry about "home".

I am a man, I make no apologies for it, as I am the only way I know how to be.
 
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Get a divorce. I hate to say it, but if someone has checked out on you emotionally? That's like the "friend-zone" man. Physical cheating is bad enough, but emotional I think can be worse.

I know a thing or two about that. Emotional cheating means "get the f*ck out of MY house". Simple. I am 100% certain that this happens with 95%+ of couples. As littlemissknight as explained, know your boundaries...

BUT, to ADD to what she says, despite those boundaries? It is important to respect the FEELINGS of a person that you supposedly care about, REGARDLESS of boundaries or agreements. Humans may not be "naturally monogamous" as claimed by many, but history and social evolution shows far-different trends and patterns suggesting a progression to the opposite going back to post-magdalenian, pre-sumerian civilizations. Our emotional well-being is centered around the agreements that INDIVIDUALS make to one another, but respecting NATURAL emotional processes supersede that I think. People can agree to whatever, but ultimately the responsibility falls on both to respect the feelings of another. Which means to step back and think, "How will this action affect this person and is it worth it". Boundaries and superficial categories mean jack-shit in the natural world. All these "rules" and "ideas" are meaningless. Just stop to think about the other person. It doesn't matter if they "have no right to be mad"...because everyone has a right to be mad if their feelings aren't considered. Relationships are getting way to complicated, so are their emotional involvement as a result. I see too many "agreements" being made, meant to last long-term, but don't take into account the potential of social evolution within a relationship. Emotions generally don't move along the same path, especially with opposite sexes. What is agreeable to a male may not be agreeable to a female, and vice versa...there are no "official lines" in real life.

I've been engaged twice. The first one turned out to be having an emotional affair with her ex boyfriend in the army, she would meet, and possibly bang him whenever he was in town. She said she never "cheated". I found out after noticing a pattern with our arguments falling near weekends when she said we needed "space apart". He was that "guy friend" that I "didn't have to worry about". Then I caught her red-handed, WITH THE GUY, based on a gut-feeling that they would be at a place she previously said she frequented with him...She married him about 2 weeks later after our break-up before he deployed to Iraq.

The second? I was in the process of looking at rings and houses, my family bought this ex and I a cruise to get away for the formal engagement....What happened? Here's the trick guys if you have suspicion, pay attention to the order and color-location of her lingerie in her lingerie drawer. I'm serious! If you notice the black thong moving around the drawer in relation to the pink and red ones, that's when you start investigating other behaviors, especially if you aren't seeing her wear it for you. It's a discreet method. If she can't talk to a friend in front of you? Yes, be an asshole and confront her. She was stupid...and dumb. She left her email minimized on a PC we shared, and was away when I got home from work, I opened and saw a big picture of her hoo-ha being sent to someone other than me. She was out of the house within a week.

I dated a girl for almost a year in 2014, took her about 6 months or so to start showing homicidal tendencies and I had visions of her standing over me with a knife at night. She had a melt-down because she burned pancakes, that was when I called it off.

Now? I have a switch. Show signs of that crap? Done. Feelings shut down and you must leave me alone. Many fish in the sea exist and I'm no longer concerned with dating one person for any extended period. If I can't get rid of her? Then I might change my mind about marriage. Like most people in Scandinavia, I just see no point in marriage and see it as an antiquated, dogmatic, emotional and economical trap. I don't want kids either, have had no interest...I want to live, travel, meet beautiful and enchanting women in other countries and not worry about "home".

I am a man, I make no apologies for it, as I am the only way I know how to be.


POTD! Wise words!
 
Americans have an unrealistic and needlessly idealistic view of marriage. I blame Disney for making every woman have the unrealistic expectation of being like a princess and the general male culture of American media that propagates the lie that every man is such a stud, his wife needs no other outside interests.

If you are unreasonable about this, you will create an unreasonable result. If your gut is telling you to be unreasonable, then just do that and get it over with. Your dignity will thank you over the next few decades, as well as your next wife who will know what buttons not to push.

If you have only been together a few years, Im guess you are under 35. If that's the case, she is still trying to figure out how to be a woman and wife. From your message, we already know you are trying to figure out how to be a man and husband, so give her the benefit of the same doubt you are giving yourself.

If you are reasonable about this, you will realize that you have several problems and she may or may not have created some of them, but not all of them. So talks about boundaries or demands on fidelity are likely not going to be entirely effective. It may solve this problem, but it is just going to fester other problems that made talking to the Idiot more attractive than talking with you. Nobody likes getting caught doing something. If you make her feel like she let you down, she is apt to start looking for things that you let her down on. That isn't healthy.

My sense is that you already have in some way. If you've been married 4 or 5 years and you think your wife is becoming emotionally reliant upon someone else, its because she can't be completely reliant upon you. You need to find out what that division is and why and offer to cure it. She may not even know, but a good first step is asking about it or whether it exists. Don't blame yourself or act weak about it, but also don't be too quick to absolve yourself from any action that created this situation. To fail to recognize that is the first step in awaking the Kracken that is the young American wife.

Few things are more unattractive than jealousy. Being jealous will just make her angry. If making her jealous solves the problem, then she was doing it intentionally and you have bigger problems than Jody calling her on the phone.

Most women have been programmed their entire lives to try and be invisible and make others happy. That doesnt change with a marriage. Just because you are married doesnt mean that she only has to make you and herself feel happy. Whether she wants to or not, chances are good she knows she shouldn't be helping the guy, but she doesnt want to hurt him by pushing him away. That would violate the Prime Directive. Similarly, it may make her happy to have an old friend in her life back with no intentions of getting physical or emotional with the Toad.Chances are good she doesnt want to hurt the feelings of an old friend who feels like he doesnt have anyone to talk to and she realizes that it probably isn't a good idea, but she feels trapped by the situation. A gentlemen would give her an out -- mention whether he has started dating yet in a sincere way when his name comes up in conversation. Offer to set him up with someone you know who is single. Create an environment where she knows she can solve the problem of giving him someone else to talk to without hurting you or alienating you, without coming any closer to the Dude, and without pushing him away in a way that makes her feel bad.

If you put the clamp on it and don't do it delicately, you can bet she will come away feeling like she cares more about your happiness than you care about hers, even if you equally care about the happiness in the marriage. Thoughts like that are an effing cancer.

And ignore the advice above about putting a strict quarantine on him contacting her, etc. That will just make her feel like a prisoner, and put simply, it doesnt effing work. I had a really close female friend in my twenties. For a couple of years, we talked every day, took classes together, etc. I asked her to set me up with her friend and she made it happen. Later, she got married to a dude that was rich, but insecure. He told her and me separately at the wedding that she wouldn't be talking to me anymore now that she was married. I haven't had any communication with her since that night. We have mutual friends on Facebook. I have been assured she asks about me regularly. I see photos of her posted by her friends with her wearing a sweatshirt I gave her in 1997. So distance and control of the communication is far from controlling her affections. If that is your objective, end it now. You never should have been married. You have to earn that shit every day pal.
 
Marriage, relationships, it's all about how much you're willing to put up with somebody in contrast to how they make you feel.

My wife is awesome. She's not perfect, but she's awesome. She has a knack for rubbing people the wrong way, doesn't have a filter, could care less what anybody says and doesn't deal very well with change. But on the other side of the coin, there's so much positive about who she is, what she is and how she makes me feel, that's the type of balance you want to find in a relationship.

Cheating is not about the other person disrespecting you, it's about how you let yourself feel about it. You decide if it's cheating or if it's something else. You also decide if and how you're going to deal with it. Don't take any of our advice as anything but because we are not you and we don't know what you want in life.
 
Tell her exactly how you feel. it may be nothing . It may piss her off. But it also may save her marriage. Divorced men and women alike can be very dangerous to a marriage. it starts innocently enough and before they both know it it's gone too far. I would sit her down as soon as possible and tell her what you feel before their relationship and /or your paranoia goes any further. Communication is the key
 
Marriage, relationships, it's all about how much you're willing to put up with somebody in contrast to how they make you feel.

My wife is awesome. She's not perfect, but she's awesome. She has a knack for rubbing people the wrong way, doesn't have a filter, could care less what anybody says and doesn't deal very well with change. But on the other side of the coin, there's so much positive about who she is, what she is and how she makes me feel, that's the type of balance you want to find in a relationship.

Cheating is not about the other person disrespecting you, it's about how you let yourself feel about it. You decide if it's cheating or if it's something else. You also decide if and how you're going to deal with it. Don't take any of our advice as anything but because we are not you and we don't know what you want in life.

You've got a keeper in your wife. She lets you sodomize @sirdingydang and stuff and still it seems like every Sunday, you and her are eating breakfast at a new place. That's effing love, carnal.
 
Speaking from having probably the worst cheating/breakup/divorce experience of anybody else in the forum, I'll say this:
I mean, I feel like this could be it's own competition and I at least need an honorable mention.
 
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Damn. Some of you over think this marriage stuff and that's a problem. It really isn't that hard. Being married to a great woman is awesome. BTW, women in general are pretty annoying but that's why God provided the inspiration for beer and stuff.
 
Move to Saudi Arabia, buy her a nice burqa, and remind her that leaving the home without you as an escort will result in her being imprisoned.

Problem solved. Women aren't problems for men in places like this. They know what they're doing.
 
I feel like @barrister1602 could provide some great insight to the break-up/divorce thread. Someone go a head and create that. I can look forward what might come as I sip on my bourbon tonight.

Update that i'll go ahead and share from earlier today... I typically wake up about 5:30 for work and she doesn't wake up until later. As I am scrambling for the phone for my alarm today, I pick up her phone to throw it on the bed as I normally do so she can have her alarm and it appears as though she has added a passcode key to her phone sometime recently. I know for damn sure it wasn't there a few days ago because I was using the phone to take some pictures in the garage for some items we have for sale. I didn't have the energy to go bat shit crazy at 5:30. I have contemplated sending the "we need to talk" text but i'll save it and spring it on her when the time is right this week. This better not mess up my 4th of July/birthday weekend upcoming. I had big plans in San Diego but might need to dip south to Tijuana instead.
 
she has added a passcode key to her phone sometime recently.
Dawg. The fact that you're noticing all these things means that she either doesn't care if you notice or you're just paranoid. Women are smarter than "randomly locking their phone with a passcode" for no reason.

If you keep waiting, then you're just a glutton for punishment, whether it's real or all in your head.
 
I feel like @barrister1602 could provide some great insight to the break-up/divorce thread. Someone go a head and create that. I can look forward what might come as I sip on my bourbon tonight.

Update that i'll go ahead and share from earlier today... I typically wake up about 5:30 for work and she doesn't wake up until later. As I am scrambling for the phone for my alarm today, I pick up her phone to throw it on the bed as I normally do so she can have her alarm and it appears as though she has added a passcode key to her phone sometime recently. I know for damn sure it wasn't there a few days ago because I was using the phone to take some pictures in the garage for some items we have for sale. I didn't have the energy to go bat shit crazy at 5:30. I have contemplated sending the "we need to talk" text but i'll save it and spring it on her when the time is right this week. This better not mess up my 4th of July/birthday weekend upcoming. I had big plans in San Diego but might need to dip south to Tijuana instead.
First off, don't go "bat shit" the second you do that you are done. Just have an honest conversation and be calm and rational. Also, if you are worried about this ****ing up 4th of July and birthday plans, then something is seriously wrong and you've got your priorities backwards.
 
I feel like @barrister1602 could provide some great insight to the break-up/divorce thread. Someone go a head and create that. I can look forward what might come as I sip on my bourbon tonight.

Update that i'll go ahead and share from earlier today... I typically wake up about 5:30 for work and she doesn't wake up until later. As I am scrambling for the phone for my alarm today, I pick up her phone to throw it on the bed as I normally do so she can have her alarm and it appears as though she has added a passcode key to her phone sometime recently. I know for damn sure it wasn't there a few days ago because I was using the phone to take some pictures in the garage for some items we have for sale. I didn't have the energy to go bat shit crazy at 5:30. I have contemplated sending the "we need to talk" text but i'll save it and spring it on her when the time is right this week. This better not mess up my 4th of July/birthday weekend upcoming. I had big plans in San Diego but might need to dip south to Tijuana instead.

Yeah, you're effed. Sorry dude.

divorce-attorneys-orlando1.jpg
 
I mean, you're not clowning us here, right, dude? If you are, you deserve a "trollphy" because we all fell for it, but there's just some things about the story now that just don't gel well with me.
 
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I mean, you're not clowning us here, right, dude? If you are, you deserve a "trollphy" because we all fell for it, but there's just some things about the story now that just don't gel well with me.
I can't understand how he's got an update from 5:30am all of a sudden???
 
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He's probably just trolling to draw out all of your stories about being dicked over.
 
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