**** THE SOUTH. **** ’em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves — yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We’re the ****ing Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
’Cause we ****ing founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the ****ing sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing, lacy-shirt-sporting revolutionaries were? They were ****ing blue-staters, dickhead . . . Think there might be a reason all the ****ing monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, no. Get the **** out and please **** my wife. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and ****ing Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your Real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those ****ing stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for ****ing blue states . . . Get it? We started this shit, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are, you Johnny-come-lately, “Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years” dickheads. **** off . . .
The next dickwad who says, “It’s your money, not the government’s money” is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the 10 states that get the most federal ****ing dollars and pay the least . . . can you guess? . . . They’re red states. And eight of the 10 states that receive the least and pay the most? . . . Blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s ****ing our money. . .
Let’s talk about values for a ****ing minute . . . Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate, you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s ****ing Massachusetts, the ****ing center of the gay-marriage universe . . . Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: Nine of the 10 lowest divorce rates are ****ing blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? . . . Ten of the top 10 are ****ing red-ass, we’re-so-****ing-moral states.
But two guys making out is going to ****ing ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that’s okay because you go to church, right?
I mean, you do, right? ’Cause we ****ing get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time . . . Maybe we ****ing Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you’re too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the ****ing Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, assholes.
Well, this gravy train is ****ing over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass . . .