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I've been a Fart Machine lately ...

barrister1602

barrister1602

Golden Knight
Jan 24, 2007
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So I go to this big church here in Tulsa. Couple of weeks ago, the pastor challenged us to go on a 3 week "Daniel Fast". Daniel was a Bible character who for 3 weeks only ate fruit, vegetables and water. Anyway, we were challenged to only eat fruit, veggies and drink water for 3 weeks. No meats. No coffee. No booze. I thought to myself that I can do anything for 3 weeks so I accepted the challenge. For the past 2 weeks I've eaten tons of salads, garlic stuffed olives, berries, brussel sprouts, broccoli, etc.

This change in diet has turned me into a farting monster. I am constantly floating air biscuits. And they are awful. My 12 year old son will hardly ride with me in the car now. My paralegals rarely come into my office. I have a steady stream of noxious gas coming out my ass.

I need to ask the few stinky hippies on this board ... will I stop farting so much when I start eating meat again next week? I can't take much more of this.
 
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roll.r191677.gif
 
Nope, you're going to be farting forever. Take advantage of it by clenching your butthole as tight as possible, pressing it up against your girl's clit and blowing as hard as you can. Trust me bro.
 
Went to the TU v. Memphis bball game Wednesday night (TU won big, btw). I have pretty decent seats ... 3 row near the center. I was farting up a storm. I was trying to time them to the band music played during timeouts. But the smell was so rank. I swear the official running up my side of court started holding his breath whenever he ran by our seats. I have a toxic cloud of foul fart gas following me around.
This post was edited on 1/23 11:59 AM by barrister1602
 
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Sounds like a conspiracy to turn you into a Mormon, since that is exactly what the Word of Wisdom teaches.

The Elders teach the converts to drink a lot of water to help with this issue. Perhaps it will help you. Lots of toxins stored up in there for years that need to get out.

Funny how Guts Church teaches that Mormonism is some kind of cult, then mimics their teachings. We are all more alike than our differences.
This post was edited on 1/23 12:22 PM by HuffyCane
 
Originally posted by knighted:


So you can sleep with multiple chicks but can't eat meat? LOL
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I wasn't "challenged" to give up eating va jay jays ... just meats, booze & coffee. And its only for 3 weeks. I'm over half way done. Just wish I could quit farting so much.
 
What is the theological purpose of this diet? Daniel didn't want to defile himself with the king's food. What is the spiritual benefit for laypersons 2500 years later? Just curious.
 
Originally posted by Happy Hands:
What is the theological purpose of this diet? Daniel didn't want to defile himself with the king's food. What is the spiritual benefit for laypersons 2500 years later? Just curious.
Click to expand...
There's not - it's probably some giant evangelical church where the pastor drives a Land Rover and his wife drives a Mercedes, lives in the biggest house in the only country club in Tulsa.
These evangelical churches try to find a deeper meaning for everything rather than just accepting that the Old Testament is a collection of stories and parables used to help people be better persons and live better lives. They have guitars and drum sets in the sanctuary to make worship "fun" in attempt to attract more people and make more money. Everything is a challenge and a judgement of others and is kind of ridiculous.

Just go eat some pork my friend.
 
Well everyone on this board figured you were full of it, so this is no surprise here. Usually after a couple of weeks on a diet such as you are on gas goes down. The body adapts, when you go back to normal unhealthy diet, you likely will go thru some discomfort once again.
 
Originally posted by fabknight:


Originally posted by goodknightfl:
you likely will go thru some discomfort once again.
Click to expand...
Discomfort? Farting is awesome.
Click to expand...
There are few things funnier than the grocery aisle fart bomb.
 
Originally posted by sk8knight:


Originally posted by fabknight:



Originally posted by goodknightfl:
you likely will go thru some discomfort once again.
Click to expand...
Discomfort? Farting is awesome.
Click to expand...
There are few things funnier than the grocery aisle fart bomb.
Click to expand...
Crop dusting can be an art in any crowded area.
 
barrister1602 said:
So I go to this big church here in Tulsa. Couple of weeks ago, the pastor challenged us to go on a 3 week "Daniel Fast". Daniel was a Bible character who for 3 weeks only ate fruit, vegetables and water. Anyway, we were challenged to only eat fruit, veggies and drink water for 3 weeks. No meats. No coffee. No booze. I thought to myself that I can do anything for 3 weeks so I accepted the challenge. For the past 2 weeks I've eaten tons of salads, garlic stuffed olives, berries, brussel sprouts, broccoli, etc.

This change in diet has turned me into a farting monster. I am constantly floating air biscuits. And they are awful. My 12 year old son will hardly ride with me in the car now. My paralegals rarely come into my office. I have a steady stream of noxious gas coming out my ass.

I need to ask the few stinky hippies on this board ... will I stop farting so much when I start eating meat again next week? I can't take much more of this.
Click to expand...
This is hilarious, same thing happened to me going on keto... I crushed the greens, sprouts, eggs, and cheeses, which I believe were the culprit, for me at least.
 
UCFloridaTech said:
This is hilarious, same thing happened to me going on keto... I crushed the greens, sprouts, eggs, and cheeses, which I believe were the culprit, for me at least.
Click to expand...
My base diet has been vegan the last six (6) years. I, fortunately, balance it with only fresh cuts of meat, unprocessed, several times a week, along with some solid whole grains and I don't avoid whey proteins and lactose-free milk products, but embrace them ... in moderation.

I try to stay away from processed in general, which my endo found fascinating, becuse it totally made a difference in my bloodwork! This was already atop of what cutting out sugar 20 years ago did to all sorts of things. Cutting out sugar is really the big key. Then going away from processed.

But yes ... again ... if I don't mix in some other things, yes ... it's a bitch for others. You don't want go pure vegan, and don't want to do vegan + milk only. Mix in the whole grains, get the good fiber and other nutrients, and use milk, especially lactose-free, but in moderation.

My sole issues the past 20 months have been cardiovascular, and they showed up ... like many others ... with SARS-CoV-2. The US keeps avoiding the reality that ... SARS-CoV-2, whether virus or spike, does increase cardiovascular issues.

We need a protocol and ... I'm following what Europe is evaluating. Most of it's over-the-counter, and I suspect US physicians will continue to increasingly ignore domestic advisement, and follow foreign studies. Just how it is today, because ... unless it's under patent, it's usually not proliferated, much less marketed to doctors.

Burning 400-500 calories in cardio-centric exercise and eating 1,200 calories in a 4 hour window just isn't cutting it since then, even though I've removed most of my stress by switching employers 20 months ago as well. I no longer have any gall bladder attacks, not even if I eat some fried food (which is rare, but I have).
 
UCFBS said:
My base diet has been vegan the last six (6) years. I, fortunately, balance it with only fresh cuts of meat, unprocessed, several times a week, along with some solid whole grains and I don't avoid whey proteins and lactose-free milk products, but embrace them ... in moderation.

I try to stay away from processed in general, which my endo found fascinating, becuse it totally made a difference in my bloodwork! This was already atop of what cutting out sugar 20 years ago did to all sorts of things. Cutting out sugar is really the big key. Then going away from processed.

But yes ... again ... if I don't mix in some other things, yes ... it's a bitch for others. You don't want go pure vegan, and don't want to do vegan + milk only. Mix in the whole grains, get the good fiber and other nutrients, and use milk, especially lactose-free, but in moderation.

My sole issues the past 20 months have been cardiovascular, and they showed up ... like many others ... with SARS-CoV-2. The US keeps avoiding the reality that ... SARS-CoV-2, whether virus or spike, does increase cardiovascular issues.

We need a protocol and ... I'm following what Europe is evaluating. Most of it's over-the-counter, and I suspect US physicians will continue to increasingly ignore domestic advisement, and follow foreign studies. Just how it is today, because ... unless it's under patent, it's usually not proliferated, much less marketed to doctors.

Burning 400-500 calories in cardio-centric exercise and eating 1,200 calories in a 4 hour window just isn't cutting it since then, even though I've removed most of my stress by switching employers 20 months ago as well. I no longer have any gall bladder attacks, not even if I eat some fried food (which is rare, but I have).
Click to expand...


nikocado-nikocado-avocado.gif
 
KnighttimeJoe said:
This thread is a painful reminder of the good ole days of what this place once was.
Click to expand...
Dude! I got a notification about you laughing at a post I made about farts and I was like WTF! I don't remember any fart post. Then I saw it was from 2015 and laughed my ass off.

I had to quit the cooler. It's just no fun.
 
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fabknight said:
Dude! I got a notification about you laughing at a post I made about farts and I was like WTF! I don't remember any fart post. Then I saw it was from 2015 and laughed my ass off.

I had to quit the cooler. It's just no fun.
Click to expand...
Everyone used to know everyone around here and get along and stuff.

Except for ucfbs. No one ever liked him.
 
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KnighttimeJoe said:
Everyone used to know everyone around here and get along and stuff.

Except for ucfbs. No one ever liked him.
Click to expand...
No one likes the bean counter who reads experts, and goes against the 'common belief' in the Church of Popular Science and Media.

And when those 'beliefs' are shattered ... some double, triple and qudaruple down when it ends up being true ... they can 'pat themselves on the back' and say, "Well, no one likes UCFBS." And when that doesn't work, they even make sh-- up about me, so others can go, "UCFBS claimed he was professor at UCF ... so you cannot believe him." It's sad how many people believe it too, but ... I'm so horrible. I shouldn't defend people who were harmed by others, and their arrogant assumptions. I should have the government force a gun to their heads too.

Pretty much how this goes. Especially since anyone who agrees with me that states such publicly is consistently ridiculed. It's kinda pathetic how people report things to the admins and mods ... the biggest complainers being the biggest offenders.
 
UCFBS said:
No one likes the bean counter who reads experts, and goes against the 'common belief' in the Church of Popular Science and Media.

And when those 'beliefs' are shattered ... some double, triple and qudaruple down when it ends up being true ... they can 'pat themselves on the back' and say, "Well, no one likes UCFBS." And when that doesn't work, they even make sh-- up about me, so others can go, "UCFBS claimed he was professor at UCF ... so you cannot believe him." It's sad how many people believe it too, but ... I'm so horrible. I shouldn't defend people who were harmed by others, and their arrogant assumptions. I should have the government force a gun to their heads too.

Pretty much how this goes. Especially since anyone who agrees with me that states such publicly is consistently ridiculed. It's kinda pathetic how people report things to the admins and mods ... the biggest complainers being the biggest offenders.
Click to expand...
Too long; didn’t read. Cry elsewhere.

Stop posting. Stop eating. Both are literally killing you.
 
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KnighttimeJoe said:
Too long; didn’t read. Cry elsewhere.

Stop posting. Stop eating. Both are literally killing you.
Click to expand...
Without looking at his post, I'm going to guess it's full of whoa-is-me, nobody listens, everyone makes fun of me but i dont know why, I'm an expert, I'm smart, every one keeps bringing me up, it isn't me it's you,....

SOSDD. Ignore has made the message board a whole lot better.
 
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UCFBS said:
My base diet has been vegan the last six (6) years. I, fortunately, balance it with only fresh cuts of meat, unprocessed, several times a week, along with some solid whole grains and I don't avoid whey proteins and lactose-free milk products, but embrace them ... in moderation.

I try to stay away from processed in general, which my endo found fascinating, becuse it totally made a difference in my bloodwork! This was already atop of what cutting out sugar 20 years ago did to all sorts of things. Cutting out sugar is really the big key. Then going away from processed.

But yes ... again ... if I don't mix in some other things, yes ... it's a bitch for others. You don't want go pure vegan, and don't want to do vegan + milk only. Mix in the whole grains, get the good fiber and other nutrients, and use milk, especially lactose-free, but in moderation.

My sole issues the past 20 months have been cardiovascular, and they showed up ... like many others ... with SARS-CoV-2. The US keeps avoiding the reality that ... SARS-CoV-2, whether virus or spike, does increase cardiovascular issues.

We need a protocol and ... I'm following what Europe is evaluating. Most of it's over-the-counter, and I suspect US physicians will continue to increasingly ignore domestic advisement, and follow foreign studies. Just how it is today, because ... unless it's under patent, it's usually not proliferated, much less marketed to doctors.

Burning 400-500 calories in cardio-centric exercise and eating 1,200 calories in a 4 hour window just isn't cutting it since then, even though I've removed most of my stress by switching employers 20 months ago as well. I no longer have any gall bladder attacks, not even if I eat some fried food (which is rare, but I have).
Click to expand...

UCFBS is a nutritionist and licensed dietician.
 
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fabknight said:
Without looking at his post, I'm going to guess it's full of whoa-is-me, nobody listens, everyone makes fun of me but i dont know why, I'm an expert, I'm smart, every one keeps bringing me up, it isn't me it's you,....

SOSDD. Ignore has made the message board a whole lot better.
Click to expand...
Bingo.
 
UCFKnight85 said:
UCFBS is a nutritionist and licensed dietician.
Click to expand...
Areas in which UCFBS is a bona fide expert and if you don't believe him, just ask him:

-vaccines
-COVID
-big pharma
-diet
-exercise
-cardiology
-eating
-Russia
-WW2
-foreign policy
-buffets
-Ukraine
-real estate in northern Alabammer, particularly trailer camps
-education
-Hillary Clinton
-Golden Corral
-the Pentagon
-guns
-the military
-women
-the FBI
-the CIA
-climbing stairs
-mask wearing
-Alex Berenson
-football
-Larry chairs
-Nancy Pelosi's husband
-Cabal
-using his shirt as a napkin
-Vax deaths
-fried chicken
-Progressives
-the racist known as Ayn Rand


Am I missing anything? Live footage of BS running to his keyboard to reply to my list:

giphy.gif
 
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fabknight said:
Without looking at his post, I'm going to guess it's full of whoa-is-me, nobody listens, everyone makes fun of me but i dont know why, I'm an expert, I'm smart, every one keeps bringing me up, it isn't me it's you,....
Click to expand...
But did I end up being wrong ... while people called me an idiot for a year?!


fabknight said:
SOSDD. Ignore has made the message board a whole lot better.
Click to expand...
Yes, because you @$$hats don't talk about me, or the dozen other people you target. People get tired of it.
 
UCFBS said:
But did I end up being wrong ... while people called me an idiot for a year?!


Yes, because you @$$hats don't talk about me, or the dozen other people you target. People get tired of it.
Click to expand...
^^^^^^ insanity on display.

He has you on ignore, dumb shit. And you know this.

Stop posting. Stop eating. Stop being insane.
 
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KnighttimeJoe said:
^^^^^^ insanity on display.

He has you on ignore, dumb shit. And you know this.

Stop posting. Stop eating. Stop being insane.
Click to expand...
Lol. I don't read his bullsh!t nor do I reply. I simply thumbs down the messages that make it past the ignore and as narcissic and self-unaware as he is, I'm sure it drives him absolutely nuts. Does he consider me part of the Cabal, yet? Am I one of those he calls an asshole, yet?
 
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