Requirements to be the UCF Athletic Director
• Start with the patch. Nothing screams legacy like a promotional item that will be forgotten in two years but passionately defended by a handful of people who swear it was a game-changer
• Build your first baseball stadium with dugouts that are too short to stand in. If the players want luxury, they can crouch
• Design a basketball arena that actively discourages watching basketball. Obstructed 2nd level views, awkward seating arrangements, and suites that look like they were borrowed from an outdated airport terminal
• Your personal vehicle must proudly sport the license plate of another Florida school. A surefire way to build trust with the fan base
• Try to misappropriate funds, but do it strategically. You want to fire a football coach and hire his significantly less qualified replacement in one smooth move
• Whatever happens, make sure the NCAA notices you. Recruiting violations in both football and basketball are required. Go big or go home
• Construct a football stadium with enough chain-link fencing to make the local high schools jealous. Weatherproof materials? Not necessary. Let nature do its thing. Rust is your friend
• Structural integrity is overrated. The stadium should absolutely shake when students bounce. If engineers start sweating, just call it tradition. You can always add new supports in the off-season… again
• Equal amounts of sideline and end-zone seating in your football stadium. Because why have a superior viewing experience when you can make sure half the fans are watching from the worst angles possible
• Ensure opening day at the football stadium doubles as a survival challenge. Limited water, blazing heat, and total chaos. Bonus points if national media picks up the story
• Host your first big fan meet-and-greet at Chipotle. No discounts, no free food, just a vibe
• Sign a two-for-one scheduling agreement but never call it that. Say it is a one-for-one plus an additional game. No one will notice
• Develop a wildly popular scheduling philosophy that results in zero agreements. Words over action, always
• Make sure the ticket office alienates the most loyal fans. Poorly executed resale strategies, sudden price hikes, and absolute confusion
• Annoy your G5 commissioner so much that they sabotage your promising out-of-conference game deal with a P5 program
• Stay independent instead of joining Conference USA. Then later, join a watered-down version of Conference USA. Brilliant strategy
• Join the MAC, because that is clearly the best long-term move
• Make sure the schedule is absurd. Four home games. Seven road games. Fans love listening on the radio more than attending, right
• Change your primary colors and logos frequently. Keep fans guessing. Confuse the media. Build the brand
• Fire a beloved coach and replace them with a disgraced retread who will lose seventeen straight games. Bold, daring, and completely indefensible
• Make sure the mascot forces your highly paid football coach to kneel before him. Establish dominance early
• Let the student government association pick the game-day music. No one will complain. Nope, not a single person
• Maury Povich must be the guest picker for College GameDay. No further explanation needed
• For your kickoff luncheon, select the worst possible guest speaker. Instead of a beloved player, choose a legendary coach from another school who will later steal your head coach
• Auction off a helmet with another school’s logo on it. Nothing boosts morale quite like reminding everyone who is not playing
• Never upgrade locker rooms or facilities. You will not be here long enough for it to matter. Let the next guy deal with it
• Break ground on exciting new projects, then abandon them for six years. Progress is a suggestion, not a requirement
• Sign a radio distribution deal that adds dozens of new stations. Each with a broadcast range of approximately ten feet
• Build a softball stadium that guarantees fans are blinded by the sunset. Late afternoon games should be an exercise in pain tolerance
• Hire a retread coach to oversee the glorious downward spiral of your program right as you enter a Power 4 conference
• Never fire your basketball coach. Fire volleyball, baseball, and rowing instead. Set the standard
• Run up an alarming amount of debt and make sure the next guy has to fix it. Financial responsibility is optional
• Completely dismantle your championship football team’s culture by forcing your new head coach to keep a lazy, manipulative defensive coordinator. Morale tanking is an art form
• Never hire your first-choice coach. Third and fourth options are always better. Trust your gut, then ignore it completely
• Avoid radio and TV promotions at all costs. Let mystery drive ticket sales
• Beg the local government for money. It will look great on your résumé
• Noon games are a fan favorite. Always pick the most uncomfortable kickoff time possible
• Raise prices and add fees every year. You will not get credit for not doing it, and people will still find something to complain about. Might as well pocket the extra cash. Players are not cheap
• Pick the higher-paying apparel deal. Again, you will never get credit for not doing it, and people will still find something to complain about. Might as well get the extra money. Players are not cheap
• Make sure there are at least twenty different shades of gold in the official apparel lineup. Nothing says brand consistency like making fans question whether their shirt, hat, and jersey are even from the same school
• Ensure your insurance company aggressively fights a wrongful death case. Nothing builds goodwill quite like publicly battling for the moral low ground. The media will have a field day, and it really sends the message that "caring" is just a marketing slogan
• Do not bother adding any new game-day ambient lighting for football or basketball. People will forget it was not always there anyway. And definitely do not test it before the game. You need it to fail in front of a packed house
• Never upgrade the cellular signals at games. Fans should be watching the game, not their phones. If they really need updates, they can just shout their questions to random strangers in the stands
• Get all your advice from the Dungeon and the Twitter Mafia. They definitely represent the other 97 percent of fans and never suggest anything ridiculous
• Make sure your concession partnership lacks both creativity and health code standards. Nothing says stadium cuisine like mystery meat and a beverage selection consisting of whatever was cheapest at bulk wholesale
• Make sure there is no security around the Citrus Bowl parking areas. Fans should experience the true thrill of wondering if their car stereos will still be there after the game. Bonus points for postgame adrenaline rushes
• Game day parking at the new on-campus stadium should change often. Introduce new routes for exiting, price increases, and random adjustments just to keep things interesting. Fans love a challenge, especially one that makes them question their life choices before they even get to their seats
• Make sure parking garages are heavily promoted as the ultimate tailgating destination. Nothing brings the energy of a rowdy pregame celebration like the sterile, concrete ambiance of a parking deck. Plus, there’s nothing quite like grilling next to an exhaust pipe for that extra flavor
• Parking garage traffic flow offers an unmatched experience of moving one foot per hour while trying to exit. Nothing builds camaraderie quite like collectively suffering in gridlock. Forget postgame analysis, everyone will be too busy strategizing their escape route
• When upgrading the baseball stadium, make sure absolutely nothing matches. Design continuity is for amateurs. You want fans to wonder if parts of the stadium were borrowed from a completely different venue—or maybe assembled like a Frankenstein experiment gone wrong
• Start with the patch. Nothing screams legacy like a promotional item that will be forgotten in two years but passionately defended by a handful of people who swear it was a game-changer
• Build your first baseball stadium with dugouts that are too short to stand in. If the players want luxury, they can crouch
• Design a basketball arena that actively discourages watching basketball. Obstructed 2nd level views, awkward seating arrangements, and suites that look like they were borrowed from an outdated airport terminal
• Your personal vehicle must proudly sport the license plate of another Florida school. A surefire way to build trust with the fan base
• Try to misappropriate funds, but do it strategically. You want to fire a football coach and hire his significantly less qualified replacement in one smooth move
• Whatever happens, make sure the NCAA notices you. Recruiting violations in both football and basketball are required. Go big or go home
• Construct a football stadium with enough chain-link fencing to make the local high schools jealous. Weatherproof materials? Not necessary. Let nature do its thing. Rust is your friend
• Structural integrity is overrated. The stadium should absolutely shake when students bounce. If engineers start sweating, just call it tradition. You can always add new supports in the off-season… again
• Equal amounts of sideline and end-zone seating in your football stadium. Because why have a superior viewing experience when you can make sure half the fans are watching from the worst angles possible
• Ensure opening day at the football stadium doubles as a survival challenge. Limited water, blazing heat, and total chaos. Bonus points if national media picks up the story
• Host your first big fan meet-and-greet at Chipotle. No discounts, no free food, just a vibe
• Sign a two-for-one scheduling agreement but never call it that. Say it is a one-for-one plus an additional game. No one will notice
• Develop a wildly popular scheduling philosophy that results in zero agreements. Words over action, always
• Make sure the ticket office alienates the most loyal fans. Poorly executed resale strategies, sudden price hikes, and absolute confusion
• Annoy your G5 commissioner so much that they sabotage your promising out-of-conference game deal with a P5 program
• Stay independent instead of joining Conference USA. Then later, join a watered-down version of Conference USA. Brilliant strategy
• Join the MAC, because that is clearly the best long-term move
• Make sure the schedule is absurd. Four home games. Seven road games. Fans love listening on the radio more than attending, right
• Change your primary colors and logos frequently. Keep fans guessing. Confuse the media. Build the brand
• Fire a beloved coach and replace them with a disgraced retread who will lose seventeen straight games. Bold, daring, and completely indefensible
• Make sure the mascot forces your highly paid football coach to kneel before him. Establish dominance early
• Let the student government association pick the game-day music. No one will complain. Nope, not a single person
• Maury Povich must be the guest picker for College GameDay. No further explanation needed
• For your kickoff luncheon, select the worst possible guest speaker. Instead of a beloved player, choose a legendary coach from another school who will later steal your head coach
• Auction off a helmet with another school’s logo on it. Nothing boosts morale quite like reminding everyone who is not playing
• Never upgrade locker rooms or facilities. You will not be here long enough for it to matter. Let the next guy deal with it
• Break ground on exciting new projects, then abandon them for six years. Progress is a suggestion, not a requirement
• Sign a radio distribution deal that adds dozens of new stations. Each with a broadcast range of approximately ten feet
• Build a softball stadium that guarantees fans are blinded by the sunset. Late afternoon games should be an exercise in pain tolerance
• Hire a retread coach to oversee the glorious downward spiral of your program right as you enter a Power 4 conference
• Never fire your basketball coach. Fire volleyball, baseball, and rowing instead. Set the standard
• Run up an alarming amount of debt and make sure the next guy has to fix it. Financial responsibility is optional
• Completely dismantle your championship football team’s culture by forcing your new head coach to keep a lazy, manipulative defensive coordinator. Morale tanking is an art form
• Never hire your first-choice coach. Third and fourth options are always better. Trust your gut, then ignore it completely
• Avoid radio and TV promotions at all costs. Let mystery drive ticket sales
• Beg the local government for money. It will look great on your résumé
• Noon games are a fan favorite. Always pick the most uncomfortable kickoff time possible
• Raise prices and add fees every year. You will not get credit for not doing it, and people will still find something to complain about. Might as well pocket the extra cash. Players are not cheap
• Pick the higher-paying apparel deal. Again, you will never get credit for not doing it, and people will still find something to complain about. Might as well get the extra money. Players are not cheap
• Make sure there are at least twenty different shades of gold in the official apparel lineup. Nothing says brand consistency like making fans question whether their shirt, hat, and jersey are even from the same school
• Ensure your insurance company aggressively fights a wrongful death case. Nothing builds goodwill quite like publicly battling for the moral low ground. The media will have a field day, and it really sends the message that "caring" is just a marketing slogan
• Do not bother adding any new game-day ambient lighting for football or basketball. People will forget it was not always there anyway. And definitely do not test it before the game. You need it to fail in front of a packed house
• Never upgrade the cellular signals at games. Fans should be watching the game, not their phones. If they really need updates, they can just shout their questions to random strangers in the stands
• Get all your advice from the Dungeon and the Twitter Mafia. They definitely represent the other 97 percent of fans and never suggest anything ridiculous
• Make sure your concession partnership lacks both creativity and health code standards. Nothing says stadium cuisine like mystery meat and a beverage selection consisting of whatever was cheapest at bulk wholesale
• Make sure there is no security around the Citrus Bowl parking areas. Fans should experience the true thrill of wondering if their car stereos will still be there after the game. Bonus points for postgame adrenaline rushes
• Game day parking at the new on-campus stadium should change often. Introduce new routes for exiting, price increases, and random adjustments just to keep things interesting. Fans love a challenge, especially one that makes them question their life choices before they even get to their seats
• Make sure parking garages are heavily promoted as the ultimate tailgating destination. Nothing brings the energy of a rowdy pregame celebration like the sterile, concrete ambiance of a parking deck. Plus, there’s nothing quite like grilling next to an exhaust pipe for that extra flavor
• Parking garage traffic flow offers an unmatched experience of moving one foot per hour while trying to exit. Nothing builds camaraderie quite like collectively suffering in gridlock. Forget postgame analysis, everyone will be too busy strategizing their escape route
• When upgrading the baseball stadium, make sure absolutely nothing matches. Design continuity is for amateurs. You want fans to wonder if parts of the stadium were borrowed from a completely different venue—or maybe assembled like a Frankenstein experiment gone wrong
